What’s on your Mind? – Survivor’s Guilt

By Bob Herman, LCSW

If you’re not familiar with the term survivor’s guilt, let me begin by defining it. It’s a simple concept: anyone who was lucky enough to survive a tragedy where others have perished may be left with guilt over his/her good fortune. An example would be a plane crash where many people died … but a few got out and went on to live out their lives – the lucky ones. We have no trouble imagining that the survivors may think to themselves, “I sure was lucky!” But what if some of those who perished were loved family members? Can we still celebrate our good luck, or might a very different feeling arise: “What right have I to continue to enjoy my life while my sister lies still in the ground?” Hence, the term survivors guilt, for just being alive and well.

The tragedies that give rise to such feeling are varied and abundant: survivors of genocide (the Holocaust, for example) in which perhaps only one person in an entire family has survived [see the movie The Pawn Broker], the survivors of a military massacre who watched as their buddies died all around them, the rare plane crash in which only a few souls walk away, the destruction of an entire village (remember the Bhopal Disaster in India or the Indian Ocean tsunami disaster?) leaving only a few witnesses to tell the horror of what happened, etc. It’s not hard to imagine being the survivor of such events and how we, too, might feel not grateful for our good luck but, rather, guilty in relation to all who perished.

But, as a therapist, I confront this concept in another dimension. If we think of losing one’s life not just in terms of the body … but of the spirit, then many more of us may see that we, too, feel like “survivors”. Many of the people I treat in therapy have families that are not doing well; for example, perhaps Mom has been depressed for a long time, Dad hates his work but feels he’s too old to learn a new skill, brother Norm is struggling unsuccessfully with an alcohol problem and sister Cathy is in a very unhappy and unsatisfying marriage. One can imagine that my patient may think, “….and what right do I have to be happy when all the people I love are so unhappy?” This, too, I believe, is an example of survivor’s guilt, and it may become the single greatest obstacle to my patient’s health.

When we decide to heal ourselves, to make our lives better and more fulfilling by facing our fears honestly, letting go of old ways that don’t work, even saying goodbye to relationships with people who cannot give anything back, we are also usually choosing to leave some people behind “in the dust”, that is, still living with their spirits injured or captive. I try to help my patients struggle with the feeling that they don’t deserve to have joy, success, to be nurtured, etc., while their friends or family remain stuck. Often, as we talk about the patient’s life, I’ll realize that he or she has suddenly shifted the focus to how to “save” a child or a parent or a spouse. My patient is saying, “I must first fix someone else if I am to become free to mend my own life.” The problem, of course, is that we cannot fix another person, only our selves. Mom needs to get help with her depression, Dad with his work frustration, brother with his alcohol abuse … and sister must get help with her marriage. There is one thing, however, that my patient can do to help all of the members of her family: she can be an example. The others will see that her efforts to heal herself have paid off, that she is a happier, more effective, more productive person, and maybe – just maybe – they’ll find inspiration to start to work on their own problems.

Be a survivor. Be a “thriver”. Be an inspiration.

I welcome suggestions for subjects you’d like to see discussed in this column: , or send a note (Attn: Bob Herman) through The Prairie Advocate. I also enjoy opportunities to meet personally with any group interested in discussing family or child-rearing topics (at no fee).