What’s On Your Mind? – Are You My Friend?

By Bob Herman, LCSW

I expect this article will be controversial. I’m about to challenge a sacred concept: friendship. If you don’t feel like examining your friendships, this would be a good time to stop reading! But if you have had some doubts about who really are your friends, read on.

Several years ago, an elderly patient in my therapy practice declared to me that her goal was to have 200 friends. I wasn’t sure what to say….or what that meant. I asked, “You mean….. real friends?” She explained that the qualification to be her “friend” was simply to be willing to chat with her on the phone when she called – to be company when she felt alone. A few days ago, I was reminded of this when I received a email from someone in my distant past: “Bill ___ has indicated you are a Friend,” it said, simply, and it waited for me to click on “ACCEPT” (that is, to create a friend – a once meaningful designation – with a click of the mouse). Well, yes, we were friends ….. 50 years ago! I have even received such email invitations from people I don’t even know: “Alexis wants you to be her friend.” I have resisted the increasing pressure to get into circulation on these social networking websites, to be counted as someone’s (even a stranger’s) “friend”. If I don’t place myself on a certain number of those lists, will I disappear? Will I end up friendless? I guess my elderly client was just ahead of her time; now everyone strives to have 200 “friends”. No wonder that, to my younger clients, the meaning of “friend” has become vague, even meaningless. People they never really get to know, with whom they never develop a relationship, are called friends. People with whom they are are LinkedIn or connected to on Facebook are their “friends”. Most troubling to me, however, is that even those who treat them badly or exploit them may be referred to as friends.

I often find myself getting into discussions with clients, young and old, about what it means to be a friend. These discussions are often unwelcome by my client, and I feel bad about having to be the bearer of bad news, but many times the “friend” being evaluated proves to be anything but a friend. My client probably knows this before we start, if only unconsciously. Yet our hunger for connection often leads us to accept very little (or even tolerate repeated hurt) from those we call friends. One of the most common “shocks” reported to me by patients is that which comes when a friendship is tested …. and proves empty. One of my clients was recently injured – seriously and expensively injured – in the home of a long-time friend ….by the friend’s huge dog. For many years my client had been a good friend to the dog’s owner, helping him by sharing his professional skills but never charging anything. But when my client finally got out of the hospital, the old “friend” (who was insured for such accidents) never stepped forward to acknowledge his financial responsibility for the harm his dog had done. Apparently, the anticipated increase in his liability insurance costs was a larger reality than my client’s serious handicap – a physical condition which would keep him from being able to work for months. My client felt betrayed. I asked him whether there had ever before been an opportunity to find out whether his friend was a friend in time of need. “No,” he said. “I’ve never asked anything from him before this happened. I just assumed that if I was a good friend to him, he’d be there for me in a crisis.”

Any reader who has had a personal life crisis probably has also discovered what my patient discovered: when times get tough, some friends will still be there and some will not. But it turns out that who stays and who disappears may have nothing to do with whether we have been a good friend. Sadly, it is usually not our efforts that determine who will be capable of being a true friend in a time of need. When I talk with a client who is embarking on a new relationship, and I sense that my client may be trying to win friendship by giving and giving (that is, that my client is taking care of the new friend ….but there is little mutuality), I suggest that maybe it would be a good idea to ask a little more, to find out whether this new friend (or girlfriend or boyfriend) is wired to be a friend (emotionally). Just having fun times with someone doesn’t tell us much about what the hard times will be like. And your ability to be a genuine friend doesn’t make the other person a genuine friend…..which is why this discussion often leaves people a bit depressed. We want so badly to have friends – real friends – that we avoid these questions. We prefer to believe that we have the power to create a true friend, because, if we don’t, then there is nothing to do but wait ….and hope that we will be blessed with one.

Incomplete as it is, here is my partial list of what I’ve noticed about true friends. They are glad to see me and spend time with me even when they don’t need something from me. They will tell me things I need to hear, even criticize me …..but always in a supportive and caring way. They will give to me in different ways – with practical help or with support or with comfort or encouragement – but they will give of themselves. They will always steer me not toward what is most gratifying in the moment but to that which will allow me to grow. They will see that I, too, am a person with aspirations, dreams, needs, etc. – not an object created just to serve their needs. They will display a readiness to achieve fairness in all interactions, will resist the urge to “use” me or otherwise manipulate me for their benefit. They will find the twists and turns of my life of at least some interest and will sometimes give more than fleeting thought to what these events mean to me. They will not compete with me in order to pump up their own egos. They may sometimes be willing even to let go of something they want in order to enable me to have something of great importance to me. And, of course, it is required of me to do the same for them.

Well, you get the picture. I hope you have even one of these on your list, but I know they can be hard to find. Don’t settle; keep looking.