At this holiday juncture, many of us still wonder where we stand about getting that ominous lump of coal in our Christmas stockings. It seems that the guilt stuff that we learned in childhood still haunts us later in life about whether or not we deserve something.

We Lump-of-Coalers clock up our various crimes all year and hope against all hope that there might be a sparkling something-or-other surprise in a small flip-open jewelry package. Thus, the phrase, “the best gifts come in small packages.”

So we Lump-of-Coalers spar with the Sparkling Something-or-others. Someone, somewhere has been tallying it all up and filing the truth for future reference. I think whoever keeps these files has little to brag about. He is overweight, has no style for appropriate clothing, flies inefficiently around the globe and eats too many cookies. Not only that, but he certainly can’t fit down chimneys with his buckles and girth.

Files kept by this holiday character thus have no credibility. In the unlikely case that those files matter, we first have to define exactly what “naughty” means. If it means rolling through a stop sign when the policeman isn’t looking, then that would qualify for the naughty file. So would glares against rebellious teenagers and an ex-husband. Using a certain appendage in traffic always goes into the naughty file, along with that wild behavior of wearing white after Labor Day. Forgetting to have dinner on an appointed date is also naughty behavior.

The way I view us Lump of Coalers is that there is a point system all year where we should come out even and qualify to receive a Sparkling Something-or-other, anyway. Say last January, I fell off the new diet and exercise regime within the first week. Naughty, naughty. I paid the price, however, by being fatter in February so I didn’t receive any flowers or hearts on Valentine’s Day. Now I should be even in the naughty or nice point system.

By March, I neglected to remember someone’s birthday, but that’s all right because then she made a point of forgetting mine later in the year. I was yet more punished to be a year older with more wrinkles.

In June, I spent too much money on flowers and not enough on regular grocery staples. Naughty behavior again. But then it got too hot to go outside and enjoy them properly. I fanned myself on the couch and paid the price again for being out of shape. Even Steven in the files.

There is always a price to pay for naughty behavior. Glaring, smart mouthing, eating too much chocolate are certainly behaviors on file for the Lump-of-Coalers. If there seems no immediate price, then you can always remember that male who stood you up twenty years ago. That should be good for life.

The point system works from day to day, also, thus ushering in a new set of mathematics. One load of laundry, for instance, is equal to one chilled glass of expensive wine. Two loads and you deserve chocolate, also. Any more responsible tasks in one day and you deserve the cute guy, too!

But alas, the cute guy is elsewhere giving the Sparkling Something-or-others gifts in small packages. Just because they are better looking, thinner and never wear white after Labor Day means nothing to us glarers and smart-mouthers. To me, folding hands and always being polite is equal to a very boring person, another result of my new mathematics. I rather prefer that phrase “polite women rarely make history,” rather than the behavior of the Sparkling Something-or-others that receive gifts in small packages.

Sometimes I get lost in my own muddle of logic because it occurred to me the other day that it is actually more fun to give than receive! Even to a fellow Lump-of-Coaler.

Can you relate? If you would like to comment on Hot Flashes, Sue can be reached via E-mail at , or .